The doings of the Dewings, in a nut shell

I suppose I could wait a few more days and make it a whole 2 MONTHS since I've posted anything, but I figured that would be too lazy easy. And, as most of you know, I'm all about doing the (ahem) hard stuff.

So where have I been? Hiding. No, not really. I'm too bust to hide. Besides, I tried that once and my children got into some trouble because of it (trouble with me, that is.). So I choose not to hide for too long anymore. But we truly have been busy. I can't remember all that has happened since I posted last, so I'm not going to even try. Plus, I'm not sure people are all that interested anyway.

We are still doing school and that is going nicely. It has really helped that I've "backed off" Maacah about when she gets her school done. She still has to get it done before Daddy comes home (or before 5pm, which ever day it is) and she still has a certain number of lessons to do each week (which can change, depending of what is happening that week). She know all this and seems to work better having this responsibility. I'm finding that I'm not biting my tongue as much as I did and that certainly is helping me. We have about 3 more months left of school, for I'm hoping to have it all finished by the time the baby is born. While I'm pretty sure the baby won't be here before October 10, I'd still like to be done with it all by the 1st week of October. But we'll see. And I'm also leading towards starting Isaac in 1st grade when Grace goes into 2nd and Maacah into 3rd. He will be 5 at the end of October and while he may not be totally ready for it, like Maacah and Grace were, going through any more "kindergarten" stuff will not be good either. He's totally ready to move on now.

Malachi turned 3 yesterday. Boy, did that time go by fast! While we didn't do anything specific on the actual day, we did take a trip to Sturgeon Bay and it was really nice. We left on Friday morning and came back Saturday night. On Friday afternoon, we went to Schopf's Hilltop Dairy and that we fun for the kids. It is a dairy that allows it's visitors to view the cows being milked while explaining the whole process of what happens to the milk from the cow to the store. They also have an ice cream parlor on site which make the ice cream right there at the dairy. I think their favorite part of that place was they got to eat their desert before supper!

We stayed the night at a near by hotel, which had an indoor pool. The high light of that was when Daddy got in with his clothes on and swam with us! The children just couldn't get over that "Daddy's swiming with us and he doesn't even like water!". He quite surprised his wife, too. We then ate out at a chinese buffet that was across the street, which I was quite happy with for I have had a hankoring for chinese food lately.

On Saturday, we went to The Farm and the children totally had a blast! It is a competly hands on farm that was opened up in 1965 and it geared towards children. There are many different babies running around the place and for $.25, you can feed the baby goats, lambs, cows or pigs a bottle of milk. You can also purchase bags of corn for $.25 to feed the chickens, horses, donkeys, adult goats and cows. There is also the opportunity to milk a goat, for which the children really enjoyed!
Through out the farm there are old, original log cabins (moved onto the property from around the area) that are set up to showcase how things were done in the days of ore. If you are looking for a neat place for the children, something that is educational and worthwhile, The Farm is the place to go!

Last, but not least, I had spoken in the past about something we were considering for the birth fo this child: having a home birth. Without going into to much explanation, we have decided to go with it. We have prayed and thought about it much and we both feel that this is the right decision for us. I had debated of whether or not to mention this here because I don't know who reads this and there are some who might be reading and who would be completly against it. But I've come to the conclusion that this is not something I'm ashamed of and it's not something I want to keep a secret. For when the baby is born, I want to share the experience here, with pictures and explanations of what occured. So I might as well be upfront and honest about it now, to let those people get used to the idea before they are surprised with pictures and all. I am expecting some back lash about it, but that's okay. It a decision that Adam and I have come to and it's not open to discusion (meaning everyone is certainly entitled to their opinion and we will listen, but the decision has been made.).

The extent of my wisdom (for today)

Life is a bowl of cherries. And I think I just swallowed a pit.

But I'm still breathing....so far.

This reminds me that my grandfather used to say that if you swallow a cherry pit, then a cherry tree will grow out of your belly button. Since my husband insists that we have no room in our yard for a cherry tree (never mind that if we took down that ugly, straggly pine tree in the front yard we would), this may become my last resort.

Hmmm, something different

We are having our 6th child. The first 5 were in the hospital, with the 1st being a c-section because she was in the breech position. The other 4 were successful VBACs, successful as the hospital setting goes anyway. With Grace, I received an epidural too soon and it slowed my labor down. By the time I was at the point of pushing, I felt nothing because of the epidural. My mother-in-law and the nurse had to hold my legs up since I couldn't even feel them. I dialated so quickly (I went from 6cm to 10cm in under 30 minutes), I threw up whatever was left in my stomach (they wouldn't let me eat and I had been there for over 36 hours). Her heart rate went down to 60 with the contractions, and so she was born with help from the vacuum. She was gray and not breathing. But I believe the non-breathing part was my fault. A few days before her birth, I took some caster oil to try and get labor going. It didn't work. All it did was give me the runs and gave her the runs, too. There was a lot of meconium in the bag of waters and she had inhaled some of the meconium.

With Isaac, my labor was again long, but I tried to go as long as possible without medication. I didn't want the experience that I had had with Grace's birth. I did, however, get pitocin because (as I know now) I have long labors and I wasn't progressing as fast as I should have (according to the doctors). It was horrible!! For 3 hours the contractions were so fierce that I was having 3 in a row right on top of one another. The next one would start before the last one even stopped. By the time the doctor came in, she said I was looking at a c-section because of failure to progress (they had already broke my water by this time). I was so exhausted by this time that I was okay with a c-section. Thank goodness Adam was in a better frame of mind and said that an epidural was the better option to try first. The doctor didn't like this, for she didn't want to "hear about it" from the anesthesiologist if it didn't work and we ended up with a c-section anyway. But we went ahead and did it. Within 1 hour, I had dilated from 5cm to 10cm and he was out.

By the time I was expecting Malachi, I knew that my body would get to a certain spot and then "stall out". I think it's because I'm not able to relax enough, which is why I dilate so quickly upon getting the medication. With Malachi, my labor was 17 hours from start to finish, but I did recieve an epidural. I was scared of having another labor like Isaac's, so I decided to get the epidural before I got to the "begging for a c-section" point. I think it may have been 3 hours later he was born, but I don't remember for sure. I need to add that with all the pregnancies since Isaac, I have tested positive for group b strep (which is a form of Strep found in that area and could lead to serious problems for the baby if left untreated). So they want the mothers to get at least 1 dose of antibiotics before the birth, which takes 4 hours for 1 dose . It was inconvenient, yes, to be hooked up to an i.v. the whole time, but I figured it was necessary. That is until a friend of mine tested positive like me, had more than the appropriate amount of antibiotics before the birth and her daughter still got the strep and had complications from it. I started thinking, that if the antibiotics are given and the child can still get it, what's the point? (I didn't test positive with the girls because at that point, it wasn't a mandatory test as it is now. I'm sure if I had been tested it would have been positive, and yet the girls are fine.)

Now with Nathaniel, I have already documented his birth and the happenings after it. But to summarize here, I went to the hospital twice before his birth, having regular contractions and with dilation at the beginning. But at some point, the dilation and contractions stopped and I was sent home. On Wednesday morning, contractions began and never stopped until he was born. Even though they were only 10 minutes apart, I had to breathe through them and concentrate very hard through them. I was finally admitted on Friday afternoon at around 3pm. at 4:3-pm, they broke my water and found that, once again, there was meconium in the water. At around 5pm, I received a shot of Nubain and by 7:35pm Nathaniel was born.

All my labors have been monitored, medicated, some-what dictated and defiantly out of my control or say. Not that labor at any time can be controlled, but you know what I mean. I have already been tested for the Strep and am considered positive, even though I was tested before 9 weeks! So I know that the i.v. thing is going to happen. I know that if I'm not in a "progressive" stage of labor, they will not keep me (due to me being a VBAC, they have to have every doctor in the hospital, just in case I need a c-section and that amounts to the bottom line.). I know that I can't labor in the position I desire. And I know that at some point, it will come down to medication because my body, lying down in a bed or even sitting in a chair, can't realize enough to keep dilating.

So where does all this lead to? I have been praying about something for some time, I have been doing research and have come to the conclusion that a home birth is right for this baby's birth. Adam is fine with it and I really have a peace about it. Now we just need to find a midwife that services our area! I am also leaning towards a water birth, but since I need to find a midwife first, I best do that and talk with her first before I make a decision for sure on that one. I told my mother-in-law and sister-in-laws today. My mother-in-law was instantly against it and one of my sister-in-laws was soon following her (the other one didn't say anything). They said that I don't have a good track record in birth (citing Grace and Nathaniel) and that I would be better off in the hospital. Obviously I disagree and while they certainly are entitled to their opinion, this is not up for vote or debate. It is a decision that needs to be made by Adam and I. No one else. And it's not something that I woke up this morning and said, "I think I'll have this baby at home." I have learned through experience, that if I don't have peace about something, that I shouldn't do it. I really believe that this is right for us at this point and that if the Lord has His will in this, then He will provide a midwife. And if He doesn't, well then I know His answer for sure.

I haven't told my mother yet and I can just hear what she will say. But we'll get to that later. For now, I need to find a midwife. Anyone have any suggestions?

Oh, yeah. By the way: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

In a much better mind

Okay, so it takes awhile for things to get settled in my head. Or, at the very least, for me to get to writing it down! But here I am, just after 7 o'clock, and I'm putting to words the ideas that are rolling around in my head.

I want to take the time, again, to thank all of you who have written to me about my "cry for help" post. Your suggestions have been much needed and it makes me realize that I should have spoken something sooner, before I got to that state. I suppose some lessons in life are not learned as quickly as they should be. Either that, or I'm very thick headed.

Even before I read some of the comments (which all had a common theme, by the way), I began to question why was it so important to me for Maacah to get her work done "on time". I still haven't come up with a very good reason, besides it just is. Maybe it's because I know she can do, for she's done it before. Maybe it's because it would be easier for me, since I wouldn't feel like our daily schedule is constantly interrupted. Or, perhaps better put, is that the things that I wanted to do during the day wouldn't have to get rearranged because I don't feel I can't leave her alone (meaning: be outside while she is inside. I don't mean completely leave her home alone!). Maybe it's because I don't want her to feel "lesser" in anyway when Grace gets her work done in half the time (or less!) than Maacah does. I don't want her to feel stupid or not "as smart" as her sister because she works much slower than Grace does.

And then, maybe it's all the above.

Either way, my pushing and prodding and getting all worked up about it really isn't helping the situation. In fact, it's probably making her feel even more unequal to her sister since her not finishing her work when she should be is constantly being brought up. You see, Grace is very much like me, so I relate to her in a much different way then I do with Maacah. And Maacah is very much like my sister, which I'm struggling to come to terms with. I love my sister very much and I pray for her daily. But my sister hasn't had an "easy time" of it, many of it was of her own doing, and I'm fearful of Maacah going some of the same directions. I realize that Maacah is Maacah and not my sister, just as Grace is Grace and not me. We are different people, who live in different time/ways and so the mistakes of one are certainly not going to be the mistakes of the other. But the concern is still there. I am trying to walk, and sometimes find, that line between guiding her in the way she should go and letting her be her own person. I'm afraid, that because I see attributes of my sister in her, I'm harder on her then I should be due to my fear of my sisters chosen life (I realize that this reaction could very certainly send her in the direction I'm trying to steer her from, but I haven't figured out how not to have that reaction). There are other things, but this is the most prevalent under currant for me.

Through much prayer, and talk with Adam, I am trying hard not to talk to her about "getting her work done in this time frame". She needs to go at her own pace, within reason. She understands that if she needs to take all day to get her work done ( and by "all day" I mean from about 9:30am to 4:30pm, with one break and lunch. That is typically the hours that we are "doing school"), she can. She just won't be able to go outside and play with her siblings, or to crafts when they do or any such activity. She still has the lessons each day to finish. The time frame in which she gets them done is up to her.

Adam mentioned that he thinks she loved first grade because 1. it was new and exciting and 2. she got one on one attention from me. So I am attempting to give her at least 15 mintues each day, during school because that works best, of one on one time. The negative attention that I have been giving her is not what she needs, even if she is getting attention.

I am also attempting to "wean" myself off the idea that I need to be within 10 feet of her while she is doing school. Not that I'm intending on staying away from her and not checking on her for the entire day. But I think it's important that we both learn that she needs to be responisble for how she spends her time and it's not good for me, or for her!, to come from behind and try to move her along at the pace I think she should be going at.

Is this working? Are these things the things she needs? I don't know, for it only been this week and this week is not over yet. But I'm trying them. I want her to succeed in the paths and ways that the Lord has for her. I want her to love learning so that in each new thing the Lord has for her, she is willing. I'm not interested in her being smart according to this world, for the intelligence of this world leaves something greatly lacking. I want her to know that her mother loves her no matter what and that, even through all my blunders and mistakes (for there are many!!), I'm trying to guide her in the way the Lord want for her. In short, I want to do what's best for her, as any parent would. Does any of this make sense?

So, that's where we are. It is currently a few mintues before 8 o'clock. While I didn't intend to be writing this for nearly an hour, I suppose it was needed for the words to be formed and composed. What is it about getting your ideas down in black and white that makes them a bit more real and a bit more understood? Is it any wonder that the "written form" was the chosen method of our Lord to communicate with us?

A smile for the day

These two videos made me smile. So I wanted to pass them on to you!



*

I want to thank those of you who sent comments about my post "close to the edge". I really to appreciate the things you had to say! Through prayer and many of the reoccurring suggestions, I realize that my focus was on the wrong issue and not on my daughter. I will post more on it and what I'm seeing now, but I need to get my thoughts in order first. Again, thank you!!

A good reminder

Okay, so this is not the best poem ever written or ever read. But I think it can serve as a good reminder of what our focus should be, how we treat others and how we should live.

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor..

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

And why's everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue."
"Hush, child," He said, "they're all in shock.
For no one thought they'd be seeing you."

Anonymous

JUDGE NOT.

Remember...Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a mechanic.

Every saint has a PAST...
Every sinner has a FUTURE.

Close to the edge

I enjoy having the opportunity to home school my children. I know that many people, here and in other countries, don't have the chance/ability to do this, and so I don't want to take this for granted. I believe that this is where the Lord wants me and I believe that the parents are the ones who should be in charge of their childrens education, not the state.

That being said, I don't think anyone knows just how close I am to quitting. It's not because I don't enjoy teaching my children anymore, because I do. It's the fighting I don't enjoy. Every day, it's a fight with Maacah to get her work done. I've tried everything I could think of to motivate and support her. She's in 2nd grade and while I think she should be doing somethings, she can't seem to handle them. So I have lowered my expectations. I have set the timer for her to get her work done, I sit right by her to give her the attention she seems to need, I take away privileges when she doesn't get her work done on time, she only has 3 subjects a day - reading, math and language arts, we only do 4 days a week, because I have learned she can't handle the 5th day, I've tried being consistent with our scheduling, thinking that would help...all to no avail. She fights me on everything. Every minute, every number she has to do, EVERYTHING!

I can't keep doing this, day in and day out. I can't keep arguing and pushing and prodding and getting irritated. It's beginning to grow from something I love to something I hate. And I'm not exaggerating. I'm being very honest and real here. Now I don't have a problem with Grace or with Isaac (on the occasions he does school). It's only with her.

I will admit that we don't have a great relationship to begin with and this certainly isn't making things any better. In fact, it's defiantly making things worse. When the majority of the day is spent on school, it's hard to separate the teacher/student role from the mother/daughter role. But when the mother/daughter role isn't very good, the teacher/student role is even worse. It doesn't work, trust me.

What do I do? What is there left to try? I've tried so many things in so many ways. I know I'm the adult and my reactions are my own to deal with, so I'm not trying to throw all responsibility onto her shoulders. But I can only go so far and then I'm at the end of my rope. I am so close to tears right now and it's breaking my heart. How many more days, months, years can I do this? When I wake up in the mornings, on school days, I know what's going to happen. I know the wall that I'm going to have to break down once again.

I want to give up. I want to throw in the towel. I want to walk away from home schooling her for good. I want to let someone else deal with it. I'm old enough to know that the things that I want are not always (okay, usually) not good for me or good for those around me. So even though I say I want to quite, I won't. My convictions won't let me.

So where does that leave me? What avenue should I/we try next? My husband is wonderful at supporting me and giving me advice. He's good at telling me the hard things that I need to hear and change. But he's not always here. How to I get the support and reinforcement when I'm the only one here?

I feel defeated and deflated. Now what?